Learn to love. 30 tips how to live.

By the term «womanizer» we usually mean a man who is overly interested in women. It can also be added that womanizers court women. Having said that, I want to share my personal opinion here. I think that all normal men are womanizers. Yes, all of them! All normal men are really interested in women. The thing is that some of them hide this interest, some of them don’t and others (young or stupid) demonstrate it. I need to clarify one thing just in case. By normal men, I mean males who are capable of having sex. Nature made all men womanizers. Nature’s main goal is to maintain life. For humans it means procreation.

All creatures strive to preserve their species. I have seen many times how a man changes when he has been passed by a woman in the street. His posture now reminds of a hound who has gotten a sniff of some bird. When a woman passes a man, an animal instinct awakens in him. A man doesn’t think about it, but something prehistoric brings back this memory: as if he is a male bison chasing a female somewhere in a prairie.

Men often die at war. If there is no war, men usually die earlier than women do. That is why nature gave men the gene of a womanizer – to preserve humans as a species. Nature gave him the status of a sperm-provider no matter how crude this sounds. This is what we can see today on our planet: there are fewer men, yet women give birth to more children. This is what nature wants. Of course you are not interested in global processes. You are interested in one very specific man. So we are going to talk about him. He is a man, all men are womanizers and womanizers have three groups they all can be divided into. Let’s find out which group your man belongs to.

Demonstrators

The most obvious demonstrators are teenagers. Starting from the age of twelve-thirteen they get their first experience of touching a woman’s body (usually it is her breasts). Later in life they always try to press themselves against a woman’s behind – the closer, the more pleasant it is for the demonstrators. You can see such demonstrators in lines, public transportation and other public places. Men with unstable psyche can remain demonstrators even when they are much older.

I have heard from women that seemingly respectable men around forty-fifty years old would touch their buttocks. It would happen at work when they were walking upstairs together or would stay alone in an office. This is exactly what differs demonstrators from other womanizers. The former touch women even when women don’t give any signal that they want to be this close. Don’t despise demonstrators. I am sure that all men go through this phase. It is like a childhood infection that can affect anyone. However, there are men who are not very intelligent and they do degrade to being a demonstrator later in their lives. This is when we need to feel sorry for them.

Obvious ones

Women recognize these womanizers by the way they look at them. They ogle. They don’t hide their interest in women. They can easily talk on very personal topics or hint about a possible romantic relationship. They openly joke about that. An obvious womanizer can often be called a lady’s man or even Casanova. The majority of women when asked to describe a womanizer, actually picture an obvious one. Certainly all young men go through this phase and certainly not all of them mature up to the next one. There are cases when even men who do reach the next stage, still go down to the first one. Everything depends on how smart men are.

Hidden ones

Hidden womanizers are the smartest men. They are not going to stare at women they like. They are not going to let those women understand that they are interested in them. Hidden womanizers are intelligent (no matter what education they actually have) gentlemen. They look like reliable men with moralistic views who love their wives and children – perfect family guys. Since everything is well at home, they also work well. The economy of any country is supported by men like that. Hidden womanizers can have different temperaments of course. It is important to understand that they all still have the same trait – they are womanizers. Women shouldn’t forget about that.

What should women understand?

First of all, women should understand that being a womanizer is a normal state for any man. Regardless of how long they have been married, the way they look, how overweight and unhealthy they might be, how attached to their families they are, womanizers will always be interested in different women. Here is an example. My friend has a neighbor. Every year the neighbor’s father comes from Israel to visit. He stays with his son for a month or so. The neighbor’s father is eighty-three years old. Every time he comes to visit, he orders a hooker. Here we could of course speculate about how sane the man is. However, for me it is obvious that he is not happy with his wife. Since this has been repeating for twenty years, I can say that he has been unhappy for much longer.

A man’s temperament is not important for a woman at all. The thing is that one might need five women and another – a hundred and five different women. For a woman there is no difference – five or more. The point here is that he needs somebody else besides her. So what do we have? More and more women believe that all men are jerks and try to pay them back by starting affairs as well. If all men are womanizers, does it mean that marital fidelity is a myth? No, it’s not. There is one condition. A womanizer can find different women at home. They all are in one woman. This is what women should understand.

I should mention one more thing here. There are indeed men who are not just regular womanizers. They are more like Don Juan. Can women build relationships with men like that? Here is a list of criteria that will help you understand who is really in front of you:

● They don’t want to marry and have children. They have learnt to get only sex from their relationships. Some of them already have the experience of being husbands and fathers.

● They are smart. If they know how to listen to their brain and not their instincts, they can easily see disadvantages of marriage and parenthood.

● They are honest. They tell their lovers right away about their plans (or rather lack of plans) regarding marriage.

● They are courteous. They don’t want to lose their lovers and then spend their time on finding new ones.

● They are interesting interlocutors. They always entertain their lovers.

● They can even spend their money on you, but not a lot.

● They could be wonderful husbands. They have everything you need with one exception – they don’t have love for you.

● They don’t let themselves fall in love. If they do fall in love, they might marry and being married for them is like death.

● When you get tired of them not loving you, they will quickly replace you with somebody new. They always have a list of candidates to avoid life without sex.

These men cunningly set their positions: they are perfect, their values and lives in general are perfect too. The women they have relationships with are reminded that they are slightly lacking something to be considered perfect. It is very convenient, because they can be having affairs for as long as their women have the patience. If you want to make sure that your man is not one of those, you should try to remember if he has ever acted like a loving man. For example, he has sacrificed something for you. And he did it not because he needed sex, but because he wanted to make you happy.

Don Juans will break your heart. They are usually too attractive not to fall in love with them. Before you let yourself go crazy about a certain man, think about what you actually want. What kind of relationships will be humiliating for you? What conditions should be met for you to be happy in this relationship? How long will this happiness last? After you have thought everything through, write it down. It might look like this, for example, «I am ready to have a lover for six months. I don’t need his soul. I don’t want a marriage certificate with our names on it. I am not going to go out with him. I just need him in my bed, at my place. I am seeing him only when I want that, when I want sex and not when he wants it.» This way you will have a relationship based on your conditions.

This is my main advice – have it your way, your relationship – your conditions. Then you won’t be miserable but fully satisfied with your life. And you won’t regret about those years when some man was using you.

Question 25. My husband looks at other women. Is it normal?

My husband and I love each other and we are good friends to each other. But he always follows every woman with his eyes. Every woman nearby can cause a bad mood for me. My husband claims that all men stare at women and that there is nothing to worry about. I am trying to understand him. Maybe I am too jealous and untrusting.

Answer. The way out of this situation is very easy. Don’t go out with your husband. If he invites you to go somewhere, tell him that his behavior is unpleasant for you. «I understand you. I also like to look at attractive people whether they are men or women. However, I need you to understand me too. I am going to the theater with my girlfriend and to that wedding I am going alone.» I never go somewhere where I am not going to feel good and I never go with somebody who is going to make me feel uncomfortable. It is very normal. Do you love yourself? Then why would you put yourself in a humiliating situation? Of course you could find an excuse that to look at other women is a physiological need for men. Guess what – to scratch ourselves in certain places is also a need, but we still don’t do that in public.

I would think everything through if I were you. When a man doesn’t understand that he should be protecting a woman, is he really a man? He looks more like a boy. Let’s say that his actions keep humiliating you. This is when you should make a decision: he either changes, or you break up with him. If he doesn’t change, then he hasn’t matured up to being a man. Why do you need a boy then? He shows you his disrespect. You say that when you are alone with him, everything is fine. Maybe it is really so and he does care about you. Then he will become afraid to lose you and start changing himself. If he refuses to change himself, then you can tell him to look for another woman. And you will go a different way – to a different man.

Chapter 10. Can any person become faithful?

I think that yes, any person can become faithful. If not with you, then with a different woman. If not today, then in a year, two, five or twenty. Any man is a potential one-woman man. So why are there so many polygamous men around? I have one main explanation of this. It is lack of common sense. I measure common sense with adequate behavior of a person in different situations. A situation of happiness implies that there is one woman in a man’s heart and one man in a woman’s heart. If a person has reached a lot in his or her career, is successful financially and recognized socially, then I can say that this person is very intelligent. However, if this person puts his or her job ahead of normal life values, then I can say that this person lacks common sense.

This person depends on the opinion of the majority. He or she is not free. This person is trapped by stereotypes. I strongly believe that when it comes to a man, without a woman in his heart, he can’t let himself be free. That is why a woman was created for happiness. A man without a woman was meant to work hard like a slave. All women understand that even when they are young girls. Not all men understand that even when they become old men. All men become monogamous. It is a matter of time. Smart ones get it early on and they are happy for many years. Others have different scenarios.

Women also need more than one man. So they also have a choice. They can either find a lover, then one more lover, and one more lover, or they can find the best qualities of other men in their husbands. And stay faithful. If you choose the first option, then it is an open relationship. You can’t expect him not to cheat on you then.

Do you want to find the one and only man? A monogamous man. You will have one if he feels that he is free. The same applies to a woman. Freedom and faithfulness can and will go together if you are the most feminine woman for him and he is the most masculine man for you. So this is your goal – to become the most feminine woman for him.

Chapter 11. Sex, sex, sex

In recent years the mass media has been filled with a lot of sexual content. This has changed our younger and older girls. In the past it was shameful to be getting married being «not a girl» anymore. Nowadays the situation is quite the opposite. Girls are comfortable talking about it, even in public and even holding a microphone. Movies are made by men. Romantic novels are written by women under order of men. Books and newspapers are published by men. Men want to have sex, because nature told them to procreate. That is why men impose this desire on women.

Today, in any chick lit there is sex. And it is not just a half an hour simple bed scene. It lasts all night! The entire page is filled with orgasms that happen one after another until morning. I am not going to go into anatomic and scientific details here. I just want to say that it doesn’t happen this way in real life. It is just like with food. A human being can’t be eating sandwiches ten hours in a row. Nature made it this way that our hunger gets satisfied much faster than that. The same way our body is not meant to last ten hours of sexual intercourse. It is interesting though, that the word «sex» is used in our everyday life more often than words like «bread» or «water».

When I say that men have a different kind of sexual hunger, a lot of women get unhappy. They say that they also suffer without sex just like men do. Nature made men in charge of the population. In order for men not to be lazy nature gifted them with this agonizing (and sometimes literally painful) craving for sex. There is one very obvious difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Women can conceive a child without an orgasm, while men can’t. They should have an orgasm to ejaculate.

This urge to have an orgasm is a vital need for men. Women, no matter how passionate they are, can’t feel the same way. I am not saying that women don’t want to have an orgasm. All I am saying is that men need it a lot more. The urge is stronger and not the orgasm itself. I can compare it with a certain talent. All people are talented, but only very developed talents can actually control and move people to do something.

A sexual preference is a deeply subconscious thing. So when a man has picked a woman and that very woman has picked that very man, they both need to make sure that their sexual preference is supported. Sexual interest should be stirred up to avoid a change of roles in bed. There always should be «man-woman» roles in bed (not «father-mother» or «sister-brother»). I think that almost all cases of a divorce happen when one of the partners loses his or her sexual interest in the other partner. And it doesn’t matter what reasons partners will be naming. If a woman starts to yell at her children, her voice stops being arousing for her man. And that’s it! Don’t forget that you and your partner exchange energy even if you both are silent.

Men value smart women’s thoughts. These thoughts charge the air around us and we want thunder and lightning. If a woman wants to charm men around her, she should be energetic. In a woman everything should radiate energy, including her face. Here is an example. If you see several women singing pretty well, you still pay attention to the one who has an «alive» face and darts flirting glances.

Now let’s go back to sex. For a woman sex is a means of satisfaction and nothing more. For a man sex is a vital need. Satisfaction can be delayed while the vital need can’t. That is why we can see a man who wants sex no matter what moral values there are, and a woman who wants sex sort of lazily.

Question 26. He doesn’t want me. Why?

I have been married for eight years. In the last six months my husband has been refusing to have sex always explaining his unwillingness with some negative circumstances: it is too light or too hot, there are some strange smells or sounds in the room (only he can smell or hear them), he needs to work or there is not time, I am wearing something that he doesn’t like the feel of, etc. This started after I told him that I didn’t want to have this automatic and emotionless sex, always at the same time and in the same position. That having been said, he doesn’t have any problems with virility and he is not cheating on me. As a result, I have the role of the one who is asking for something and constantly being refused.

I don’t have any thoughts in my head other than to threaten him with finding a lover (at least a virtual one to begin with). I have heard that sometimes women use this technique quite effectively no matter how extreme it might be.

Answer. Sex is something very personal. People should be free when it comes to that. Your husband for some reason could give you only this «emotionless» kind of sex. You told him that you didn’t want that. However, he cannot give you anything else right now. That is why he decided to avoid it altogether. You need to think about reasons here and not about how to manipulate him and make matters worse. If you do scare him, it will not lead to more sensitive sex. Try to change yourself to make your husband admire you. Make your conversations with him desirable and addictive for him. Look at how much he works and sleeps. Maybe he is really exhausted. Then sex is indeed not a priority for him right now!

Question 27. Sex scares me.

I was once humiliated by a man during sex. Now I am afraid of men and I am afraid of sex too. What should I do?

Answer. You are transferring your resentment from a person onto a situation. You were hurt by a specific man. What you need to do is to learn how to recognize people like that right away. This should be your goal. Sex is not important in this situation. If you were offended by a massage therapist, would you become afraid of massage in general?

Question 28. What if he has problems in the bedroom?

My significant other sometimes fails to achieve an orgasm. I comfort him and tell him that it is alright. Yet I see that he is becoming withdrawn.

Answer. It is very likely that your significant other is worried about his problems with sex. The more failures he has, the more often he can think that it might be different with a different woman. He probably is busy searching for somebody new. You want to comfort him and so you tell him that sex is wonderful. Of course he doesn’t believe you! In this situation, if a man really means a lot to you, I would be telling him that sex is not that important. Being together is what’s important.

Question 29. He doesn’t want to be having sex all night long. Is it normal?

My boyfriend became my husband and now he doesn’t want to have sex all night with a lot of passion. It doesn’t really bother me, but my friends tell me that it should. What do you think about it?

Answer. I think that frequent sex «all night with a lot of passion» is an image created by books and movies. In real life emotions and passion like that are impossible. It would exhaust you. It is not a normal situation. Women often want to experience feelings like that because they themselves have so much energy. Try and direct this energy in a different sphere of your life, for example, your career or something creative.

Chapter 12. What does he expect from sex?

Two thirds of a man’s love is based on sex. They like it when their wives think about sex and even plan it. The point is not in sex itself. The point is in the interest in sex. What woman is good in bed? Any woman you see any where: on a train, in a park, in a café, etc. It is a woman who can give the necessary emotions. A man sometimes needs passion in bed, sometimes – tenderness and always – comfort. He often needs sex instead of sleeping pills.

Sex for men is a vital need, for women it is almost always a pleasure. Here is proof of that – there are many women who live for decades without sex and without men. And they are quite happy. On the other hand, I know some very vigorous and energetic women who have plenty of male hormones in them. They act like men and need an orgasm at least two times a week. Male sexuality is different and wives should understand that. Statistics are quite curious by the way: single women live longer than married ones, whereas married men live longer than bachelors.

Don’t think that in order to have great sex with you your man needs your perfect nails, clean hair and slim belly. He probably won’t even notice that. He needs your participation in sex, your admiration and pleasure! Sometimes he needs sex just to be able to go to sleep. Women can say «no» to having sex if they think that they don’t look good enough. It’s as if women get aroused by the surroundings or their own beautiful reflection in a mirror. I am going to repeat one more time that men just need to feel wanted and loved for who they are and not for the money and power they might possess.

It doesn’t mean that you need to be passionate every night. All women have different temperaments. Maybe you need an orgasm once in every ten days. So when you are working on this orgasm, do your best to be sexually-unfettered. And in the next nine days your man will be thinking about your orgasm. Find a position in which it will be comfortable for you to reach an orgasm. Don’t be shy and don’t worry that it is always the same position. Very often a woman chooses one or two positions, not more. Do whatever is comfortable for you! Tell your man what he should be doing for your pleasure. It is possible that he won’t figure it out on his own for the rest of his life. Your biggest mistakes are shyness and silence. A bed is not a place where you need to be shy.

I am not urging women to be unable to say no and to always be willing to have sex. On the contrary, your man is happy to try and work hard to «conquer» you and to «possess» you. He will be chasing you and you will be running away as it was planned by nature. However, sometimes you need to show initiative, because men are proud of the fact that women want them. When your man really wants sex, and you for some reason are ready only to «assist» him, tell him about it in the very beginning. You can come up with a funny phrase to describe this kind of behavior, for example, «I am playing the role of timber today» or something like that.

I don’t recommend pretending when it comes to passion and an orgasm. It is deception that can ruin your relationship even if it is hidden. If your man suspects that you lie in bed, he will stop trusting you in everything else. The sooner you will find the button that turns his passion on, the better. For some men this button gets pushed when women tell stories about their former partners or sexual fantasies, for other men – when women moan or, on the contrary, don’t make a sound. Look for that button.

The main pleasure for men is not our orgasm – it is the realization that they possess real females. These females are natural, capricious, naughty, headstrong but conquered by them. If a man doesn’t have this feeling, then something is lost and a woman is to be blamed for this loss. It means that a woman hasn’t made her man her priority.

Question 30. If there is no sex, does it make sense to stay together?

My husband and I are like colleagues. We support each other and we take care of each other, but we haven’t been interested in each other like a man and a woman for a long time now. We have talked about it many times and even mentioned getting a divorce. But we are sort of used to each other. On the other hand, there was no sexual desire. We decided to have a baby. Things became even worse after we had the baby. I want to leave him. I am young. But I am afraid to hurt him. Maybe I should leave him after all? Maybe we should try and work things out?

Answer. I think that if your husband is sexually interested in other women, then you shouldn’t pity him. You are occupying somebody else’s place and he is doing the same. Maybe it is easier to break up now, peacefully. Do it before one of you finds somebody else and it gets ugly with possible scandals and other unpleasant scenes. You have a child together. That is why it is important to stay friends. It doesn’t mean that you should live together for a father to be a father. A father is a protector. He can be a protector even if he lives somewhere else. A divorce doesn’t have to be a tragedy; it can be a celebration. To tell you the truth though, I am strongly against divorces. I honestly think that in your situation the relationship can be saved.

Conclusion

I hope that I was able to open your eyes to see some obvious things and simple ways to achieve your goals. The most important thing is that everything depends only on you. Only you can change things that surround you. And it is wonderful, isn’t it? It would be unbelievably difficult to trust a big part of your life to somebody else. Only you, and one more time – only you, know what makes you happy and what is a happy relationship for you.

A recipe for happiness is individual for each of us. That is why it is necessary to understand one more vital thing. A relationship is something that should bring you joy. Not pain, emotional discomfort, depression or aggression. It should be joy and happiness. That is what any romantic relationship is for. Remember this one though: «Ladies, we never stay where we don’t feel good or where we feel that we are hurting.» We deserve the best and most amazing things that exist in this world.

With love,

Ann Yang

The author's work was used to design the cover of the publication.