Learn to love. 30 tips how to live.

Chapter 4. How to become the most needed woman for a man?

A man should associate a woman with wonderful emotions. It is a woman’s goal to make it happen. If she achieves this, a man will want to be with her more than anything in the world. What should be done? A woman should know what a man likes. Some women might think that men’s interests are not for them at all. If a woman is growing emotionally, she will always know how to lead any subject to thoughts about her. If a woman does something nice and unexpected, it will cause a man’s curiosity. «Interesting» is the main word in a relationship. Relationships start with this word and end with it. To be precise, they don’t end with it actually. On the contrary, they last for many years.

In the beginning of a relationship a guy doesn’t even think about how long this relationship might last. Although we should take into account that the majority of men do want to have a serious relationship. A normal woman always wants to have a serious relationship. However, if in the very beginning she delivers an ultimatum (a serious relationship or none), she will ruin this relationship. A smart woman at first will make a man feel good and then very good. Only after that she will make him decide whether they will have a serious relationship or they won’t have one at all. It is a good thing when you share your partner’s interests. I remember this one man who I used to be interested in. I wanted to understand his interests. He was a football fan. I knew nothing about football. Yet I told him with glowing eyes that I wouldn’t mind going to the stadium to watch a game. That poor guy was chasing me for a week trying to find out about my football preferences. In the meanwhile, I was reading sports newspapers. At the end of that chase, he, being completely intrigued, saw that I put a pin with his favorite team’s logo on my T-shirt. So he exhaled with relief: «I am with you… Anywhere you go. Do you want to go get married now?» Every man wants other people to talk to him about him. All of his ups – joy and happiness from creative and business victories – should happen in your presence and with your participation. It will give you more things to talk about.

One more piece of advice – disappear! From time to time you need to disappear. If you can’t do it physically, then you should do it emotionally. For example, you could become inattentive or you could be in a hurry to go somewhere without discussing news that is important for him. It means that you deprive your man from the main rush – your emotional presence in his life. Stay in this strategic position until he realizes how difficult it is for him without you. If after that he still doesn’t admit that you are in a special place in his life, then stop wasting your time and energy on him. He is busy. However, he can show up after some time and ask you out again. I would call a man like that a mirage. He can disappear at any moment for as long as several months. Then he can reappear as if nothing happened.

If you want to achieve this special happiness – to not be an abandoned «I» but to be an unbreakable «We», you should be a very special woman who radiates bioenergy. You also should find a very special man who will not suck this energy out of you but make it stronger. It is important to show him that you love him just because, like a human being. A noble man looks for a noble woman, doesn’t he? Thus, it is important for a couple to have comparable levels of nobleness and generosity.

How to become the only one for him?

1.Show compassion and help him.

If you like him, be interested in his work. Don’t do it obtrusively but do it constantly. Offer him solutions to his problems. Don’t give him direct advice though. Gradually you will become someone he wants to talk to. Eventually you will become a close friend, because you can not only empathize with but also help him.

2. Watch how he appreciates your effort.

If he doesn’t appreciate it at all (neither with how he looks at you, nor with how he talks to you), then he is too far behind you. Just think – maybe you should walk away and let him mature. If he does appreciate what you have been doing, then you can continue.

3. Create more optimism inside of you.

Any man wants to see and hear a happy woman every day. Even if a woman is unquestionably beautiful but is rather pessimistic, she will not be content in a relationship with a man. The first sign of a pessimist is that she can be bored. A cheery woman always has a reason to see something good. She can turn every day into a little celebration for herself.

4. Don’t limit yourself only to women’s interests.

Learn more about different spheres. Does he like fishing? Why not to find out which spinning rod he prefers? The fewer women who understand anything about a man’s hobby, the more attractive the one who understands it gets.

5. People become close to each other when they do something together.

You are going to laugh, but one of the biggest pleasures is food! That is why you should try to cook together as often as possible. Ready to eat food that you can buy in a store doesn’t count. Real pleasure is in food that you have prepared yourself.

Question 12. Sex on the first date. Is it wrong?

I broke up with a man I loved and I was single for four years. Within those four years I developed this colossal hunger – I craved emotions, touches, a man by my side and sex. Considering all this, every time I meet a suitable candidate it is very difficult to control myself. It is very difficult to keep the distance when I want to jump on top of him as soon as I realize that I like him. Men figure this out very quickly. They see that we get crazy every time they touch us (I am not even mentioning kisses). What they don’t understand is that it is our hungry body that reacts this way, and that our brain and heart are actually not involved.

It’s like when you show food to a hungry person. If the person hasn’t eaten for a while, he or she will immediately dig into food no matter what quality it is. Several times being too quick ruined my potentially good relationships. It happened because men don’t forgive rushing when it comes to sex, even though they encourage it (what meanness and hypocrisy!). So how do I cope with it? To find a lover just to satisfy my cravings? I can’t do it like that. It is important for me to like the man I am going to sleep with, even be in love with him and of course trust him. What should I do?

Answer. This is what I would do if I were you. I would find a lover who also happens to be a pleasant man. I would explain to him right away: «I want you a lot but only as a lover. No strings attached and no time together during the day. Can you come to my place once a week? In this case you use him, not vise versa. This relationship is going to develop according to your conditions. By the way, while you have a strictly sexual partner (without getting attached to him) you should be looking for a man that you want to live with. It is very difficult to build a relationship when you are ready to jump into any more or less attractive man’s bed. I created this rule for myself – I can’t start a new relationship if you are still attached to the previous one. If you want sex only, you need to be honest with yourself and with your man. Tell him that you spend nights together without any future plans. This way nobody is going to be disappointed.

Question 13. Who do men chase?

You have previously written that if a woman is in love but doesn’t have a lot of energy, she should wait a bit and take care of herself at first. This thought alarmed me because it was the reason why I missed a chance to have a beautiful relationship. I worked a lot at that time and was on the edge of a meltdown. I lost control and blamed the man I just fell in love with for all of my problems. Of course, he quietly left me. I was sincerely surprised. I couldn’t understand why he stopped calling. So I would find an explanation that he was simply afraid of commitment. But to be honest, who would need a woman who is constantly tired and nervous no matter how successful and beautiful she is?

Answer. I am going to give you an answer in bullet points:

● Energy is the biggest value in life.

● People look for energy.

● Sex for men is a vital need like hunger. That is why at first men evaluate women like sexual objects.

● The more energetic and lively a woman is, the easier it is to imagine her in bed and the more she is wanted.

● This is how we come to the conclusion that a man values the energy of a woman. Here I need to clarify that we are talking about positive energy, the one that causes the desire to live.

Question 14. Our plans don’t coincide. Do we have a chance to be together?

I can’t understand if I want to continue this relationship with the guy. I want to move into a bigger place. He doesn’t really care. He likes to have people over. I dream about a chance to be alone with him and just talk. He is forty (I am thirty) and he views life in a different way. He has two previous marriages and 4 children (two are his and the other two belong to his second wife). He loves them. It means that he doesn’t want to have more children. However, I want to have a child in the future. Of course, he has advantages – he is polite, educated and modest. We share some common interests.

Answer. I understand Anna, who needs to carry out the program that was assigned by nature. She needs to nest and have a baby. She also needs to find a father for her baby who will be able to support this program. She has a man who plays the role of a husband well, but she is not sure about him playing the role of a father and a «director» of her «program». What would I do if I were Anna? This is not advice; this is me reflecting. I would become a best friend for this man, an irreplaceable woman. I am sure that to reciprocate he would do anything to make me happier. Do you want a child? Let’s do it! Do you want a new house? I will make enough money to buy it! This is how people work. Here is one more pattern: if it feels good and easy to be with this person, I will do everything to be with him.

Chapter 5. He is not proposing

A man sometimes doesn’t hurry to make a proposal. So a woman can be waiting for years to hear the words she longs for: «Will you marry me?» How much time is needed to make this decision? Here is a very simple example. Do you remember how you were buying one of your favorite things (let it be a purse)? It was exactly what you had been dreaming about. You saw it in a store, but you didn’t have money. You ran to your friend to borrow money. You were afraid that somebody else might have bought your dream while you were away. So you ran back all sweaty, didn’t you? When he looks at you like at a treasure, he wants to claim that this treasure is his and he will want to make you his wife soon. It is natural for men not to let the competitors take their treasure away.

One of my clients said: «A man who hasn’t proposed in the first year will not be a good husband even if he marries you later. He most likely will be constantly unhappy with you and irritated. He probably will be cheating on you and you will depend on him. I know a lot of women who spend with these «indecisive» men five to seven years of their lives. I am on that list as well. After four years of a civil marriage I thought that we were not getting married because we both thought that it was just a formality. He eventually told me that if I had been a hundred percent what he wanted, he would have proposed within the first year of us dating. You know, he also said the following: «Why are you so upset? You’ve been fine with everything! If you were not fine with it, you wouldn’t be here.» Needless to say that I left. He immediately wanted me back, trying to persuade me to get married and have children. It didn’t work with me. He is still looking for the one who will be a hundred percent what he wants. It is simple – there are men who are not husbands. They don’t want us to know about it because they want us to stay with them.»

Many men do want to find a woman who would be their partner, friend and lover for their entire life. Any romance has an expiration date. If a man and a woman see each other every day, the romance will finish faster. If there are some obstacles, then the romance can last for a year or so. At first a man and a woman do a self-presentation and demonstrate their best qualities. Women don’t forget to put lip gloss on, wash hair every day and rotate jewelry. Men clean their shoes until they shine. This period ends when the first fight happens. After that a period of testing starts. Both, a man and woman, look at each other assessing if they want to build a family with their partner. This is when they ask questions, discuss the partner with their parents and friends, try to change something in him or her and test each other. As a result, a man and a woman make a decision whether they want a wedding.

The first possible scenario. A man is at the right age when it is time to get married and he wants to be married. His parents and friends like his girl. So she definitely could become his wife. A woman decides that it is time for her to get married. He will be a good father and a husband. He has potential. A man proposes just like it is described in books – he does everything himself without any hints from her side.

The second scenario. This one is the most common one. Within the first months of his relationship a man has satisfied his interests: sexual and intellectual. He figured out the nature of his night companion and can predict her behavior. However, he doesn’t want to marry her for several reasons: it is too early, he doesn’t want a committed relationship yet or maybe she is just not good enough to be his wife. This is when a man starts calling more often but actually coming over less frequently. What’s interesting is that at this point a woman is also not thrilled about him. Yet if it is time for her to get married, she will have to follow the «chase». There is one more reason why she follows a leaving man – she doesn’t want to be abandoned! She ends up acting like she did in the beginning of their relationship – she thinks about him a lot and falls in love with him again. This situation can be reversed. After some time, a woman stops caring. It usually happens because she gets bored with a man. She wants to try different relationships with other men to test her charm. It is too early for her to get married or maybe this very man is not a suitable candidate. She starts leaving and he starts following.

The third scenario. A man leans toward the idea that he is not going to marry his woman. This is when a competitor shows up! A man immediately proposes. Men by nature are warriors and conquerors. It is shameful for them to lose to competitors. Men play these games until the day they die. If there are no competitors, they make them up. They need to be winners! This becomes a reason for many marriages. Not only another man can be seen as a competitor. Different life circumstances can create some sort of competition – when something is forbidden or when he doesn’t have an opportunity to see her (for example, she has to move to a different city or she is married). It all comes down to the following: the harder it is to get her, the more he wants to marry her. I watched once how a simpleton somehow made Prince Charming marry her. The simpleton came from a different city and started working with Prince Charming. Every day she told Prince Charming that she had a fiancé back home waiting for her. At the same time, she kept flirting with Prince Charming. Of course the latter felt like he needed to defeat her fiancé, who by the way was made up. It turned out to be that she wasn’t that simple after all. I think the conclusion is obvious, isn’t it?

Question 15. Why does passion fade?

Why does passion last for a year? Can a relationship be limited by a calendar?

Answer. Yes. It has been proven by science, my personal experience and the experience of other people. Apparently, nature decided that one year is enough time to procreate. If within this period certain conclusions haven’t been made, this union is not going to last. Of course all of this is rather relative. However, there still should be some grounds for making a decision. Look at it as planting seeds. If the seeds are viable, they will grow within a certain period of time. And if nothing happens within this period, it is unlikely that they ever will grow. This fertile period is your passion.

Question 16. He doesn’t want to live together.

I have been dating this man for a year and a half. We are approximately of the same age – around thirty. We have similar views on household and life in general. Not a long time ago I started a conversation about him moving in with me. He agreed but became really anxious. He said that he was afraid of such a serious step. Moving in with me meant for him spending our entire lives together. Then there were days of long conversations and confessions. Eventually I packed my things and left. He said that he loved me and he needed time to think. When I was leaving, we both were crying, he was saying that he didn’t know if he wanted to spend all his life with me and I didn’t want to build the relationship knowing all this.

What should I do to clarify the situation at least a little?

Answer. I would also run away if I had to plan my entire future. When I was marrying Joe, I didn’t know how long we would stay together and what kind of a relationship we would have. We were happy AT THAT MOMENT and that was enough. It has been twenty-five years. However, if I stop being happy next to him, I will leave without a second thought. This is what you said: «He was saying that he didn’t know if he wanted to spend all his life with me and I didn’t want to build the relationship knowing all this.» You are putting him in tough and impossible conditions. You have been together for over a year. Yet you haven’t expressed what you expect from each other.

Talk now. Tell him that you also don’t want to live together if there is no happiness. As soon as this happiness disappears, you will be the first one to break up the relationship. Instead of talking you can write a letter to him. It will be easier. Explain what exactly you want from him and give him a specific deadline. After this deadline, if he doesn’t make a decision to be together, stop thinking about him all day long (you can spend two hours a day on these thoughts). People can live together for years and still not know what they want from each other. Even a notion «infidelity» can be different for a man and a woman. Sometimes it happens this way that what a woman thinks is a tragedy, is merely a mischief for a man.

Question 17. I have gotten two marriage proposals. Who should I pick?

I loved him a lot for ten years. I loved him for his intelligence and ambitions (he is a scientist). I was never his priority. I was always alone, but this man was the only one I loved and I didn’t want to break up with him. I was afraid to be single. In the beginning of this year I met Kurt. He thinks that we are created for each other. I think the same way. He was so attentive and caring. Kurt proposed after three months of knowing me. My Scientist learned from me about Kurt and also proposed. So now there is a dilemma – who do I pick? My heart is being torn apart.

Answer. If you pick your Scientist, he probably will stop paying attention to you again. He will not try and cheat on you, because he is fixated on his work. Men like that always put their wives second though. If you had been fine with this attitude, you wouldn’t have looked for another man at all. Am I right? So there was a need in a different relationship. It is likely that you are going through a transitioning phase. Your old feelings haven’t vanished yet. Ten years is a long time. Don’t rush into marrying someone right now. Your feelings will become clearer in a couple of months. This is when you will make a decision.

Chapter 6. What kind of a woman will he never pick as a wife?

I have known Kathy since we were young. She is an alcoholic now. She has a nice flat in the center of the city, a grown daughter and an interesting job. At the same time men are not interested in her. That is why Kathy drinks every night alone. What’s interesting is that she herself is very attracted to men. When she was young, she used to change partners all the time. She moved from one bed to another, from a hotel room to somebody’s office. I remember she said once: «I will never be alone, they have too much fun in bed with me to leave me.» Yet every man she had left her. She didn’t have even one long term relationship. When the father of her daughter left her, I asked him about the reason. He answered, «For Kathy to cheat on me would be as easy as drinking a glass of water. Why would I want a wife like this?» Kathy was beautiful, lively and talented. She was also promiscuous. She was good for a one-night stand.

To collect men is satisfying (just like to collect women). However, if you are loved today, it doesn’t mean that you will be loved tomorrow. I don’t really recommend you to hurry, but still remember that your endless choice can end very soon. Big love is like a big miracle. And big miracles require a lot of patience, forgiveness and many other things. Moreover, if you think that you can wait for a different one because it might be better, your miracle will disappear. A young woman early on looks for signs of a future husband in a young man’s actions. A young man also tries to predict what kind of wife his girlfriend might become.

When my son was breaking up with his girl, he said, «I have realized that she argues with me all the time, because she wants to win. She needs to be winning all the time! So I think that we need to break up, because all of these fights with her ruin my mood.» Guys run far away from boring and nagging girls. They will not become cheerier as wives. They will be prone to feeling unwell. Don’t look for a pretty or modest one. Look for the one who will be equal to you. She should love you like you love her; she should think like you do and want similar things. Young women often nag a lot, because they are not happy with certain things. Young men are typically content with everything but nagging.

Men take all of this nit-picking very personally. For them it means that they haven’t done something that they were supposed to or haven’t made enough money, etc. It also means that their women are not satisfied, they haven’t been able to make them happy. Thus, women should take into account not only negative remarks only toward men but also toward life. It is important, because even when we complain about life, men assume that it is their fault. Sooner or later, men start valuing in women the skill of living happily.

Question 18. Having done everything he had asked for, I became not interesting for him.

I am thirty years old and I have never been married. I do have a seven-year old daughter. I had had enough men in my life before I met him. After a week of knowing each other he moved in with me. The first rift happened three months later. He didn’t want me to go on a business trip for two weeks and I still went. Then he asked me to quit my job and I refused. He wanted to have a quiet and cozy family life. I wasn’t able to give that to him. One day he told me that he was leaving. I decided to change. He still said that there was no point in being together.

He found a different woman and lived with her for three months. Now we are back together. I have another chance. Unfortunately, he is not happy again, even though I quit my job and started doing everything he wants me to do! I like staying at home now, cooking for him and being there when he comes home. So I have started to change and he thinks that it is suspicious. He says that now he feels sorry for me, he calls it the remainders of love. He meets with other women and busies himself with work. We have only sex left. Other than that, we are like neighbors to each other.

Answer. A man is a hunter and a warrior. It is a simple and basic idea. He wanted to conquer you and you were being stubborn. It inspired him to try conquer you even more. As a result, you are a rug on the floor by his side of the bed. Nobody really loves rugs. It is so easy to get used to a rug. When a rug gets old, it is also very easy to replace it with a new one without any regrets. So I recommend you tomorrow with a smile on your face to thank him and let him go. There is nobody else in your house he could conquer. When he leaves, there will be only one way to get him back. You need to become like sunshine – a person who radiates happiness even if you are alone.

You should become a person that cannot be completely conquered. I think that you should do what you like, work where you want and communicate with people you like. It means that you should become an individual, a woman who has her own thoughts and opinions, a life of her own and people she wants to spend time with. It is interesting to be with an individual! It is not interesting to be with a rug! If you leave, it is very likely that he will come back to your sunshine. He will be very curious to find out what has happened to you.

Chapter 7. How to choose the one and only man?

I state that it is a woman who makes a choice. If she has decided something, a man will definitely do what she wants. When I think about the quality of a person, my first criterion is whether he or she can change his or her habits and consequently character. It doesn’t matter what kind of childhood and parents we had. That doesn’t depend on us. What’s important is whether you have enough brain and will to act differently, to change your behavior today.

These are my criteria when I choose a man. Well, of course one of the main ones is «sexual dizziness» when I see him. Can we laugh together? If you immediately start laughing together for the same reason, it tells about your intellectual compatibility. Can he improve himself for me? Do I want to improve myself for him? Do I want to make him happy? Do I feel at peace with him? Will he be happy for my victory even if this victory means that he failed? First and foremost – you can be honest with him, you don’t need to lie, he will understand everything.

You probably will agree that a person makes himself/herself. However, I think that real men are made by real women. It is true even if they don’t know each other yet. I asked many women the following questions: «Would you like it if your man 1) borrowed money from you, 2) told you that you had some competition, 3) asked for your advice, 4) doesn’t bring any food, but eats yours, 5) tolerated it when his boss yelled at him?» It turned out to be that what was important for women wasn’t men’s intelligence or prudence but their pride.

Why do people at the age of thirty or so rarely fall in love with celebrities like actors and singers? Moreover, women let themselves fall in love with those who have already fallen in love with them. Being in love means a number of pleasant thoughts about a certain person. So ask yourself what you are looking for. If you want to suffer and try this emotional roller coaster, then by all means do fall in love with the closest sex-symbol – tall, slim, wealthy and trendy. Half of the women you know are already in love with him. In a relationship he acts like a woman who needs to be conquered and pleased. It is impossible to build a family with him.

If you want to have a good husband, you should look for him among your friends who you find attractive emotionally and physically. Learn to transfer friendships into romantic relationships (men are usually happy to jump to this next stage fairly quickly). The smart thing to do, in my opinion, is to check if he is a good friend and protector and only then let yourself think of him as a future husband. What does usually happen though? Usually we, silly girls, immediately try to imagine a possible candidate wearing a tuxedo and saying «I do!»

The majority of men (I mean normal average men, not some supermen) are attracted to feminine traits of character like friendliness, non-aggressiveness and kindness. A man is afraid to be laughed at. That is why he will never come up to a woman who could possibly push away and criticize him. Infatuation lasts for half a year. Then there is a period of testing. This is when a man and a woman evaluate each other and decide if they can build a family together. Look attentively at the one you want to have a relationship with. Even if you are buying a phone, you are going to check several times what you are giving your money for. And here you are giving somebody your soul! So check a hundred times.

Our goal is not to make up some imaginary love, but to spot it timely and hold on to it. At first people are just friendly to each other. Later this friendliness becomes either friendship or love. I think of love like friendship plus sexual connection. Don’t look at your new male acquaintance as at a future husband right away. Look at him as at a friend at first. I have never seen love without friendship at its basis. It is true even when we talk about parents and children. Once again, if your guy can be a good friend and he excites you sexually, then you can think of him as a romantic partner. Just check one last thing. Does he want to change for the better for you? If he says that you should love him the way he is with all of his flaws, you can straightforwardly reply that there are a lot of guys with flaws you can choose from. The point is to want to be better.

This whole idea about men being friends at first is quite the opposite for many women. Today we meet them, tomorrow we already have all these dreams and even picture wedding rings in our heads. Only later do we learn more about them, get disappointed and suffer for a long time. In reality nobody disappointed us! We did it to ourselves. Nobody betrayed us! We ourselves decided that men (whom we have known for twenty-four hours) would swear to be faithful to us. Look for a friend. Also, watch him when he gets mad, especially when he gets mad at you. Oh, and by the way, ask him about duties of his future wife as he sees them (not really directly to his face, but maybe in a company of friends as a game).

Question 19. I am 15 years older than he is. What is waiting for us in the future?

I got divorced after twenty years of a nightmare. I have been devoted to my job and children for the last four years. I like peace and quiet in my house. I know that I should have divorced him much sooner than I did. I also know that it is my fault that I let him treat me the way he did. Now I am dating this young man. We have known each other for a year, but it has been more of a friendly business relationship. We sometimes would meet because of our jobs even though we work in different spheres. I had a big problem once and he helped. I noticed of course that he didn’t help just because. Women sense things like that.

We have a very close relationship. I tell him about my fears and he tells me about his problems. I have never seen such a warm and caring treatment. He is married and he has a son…and he is fifteen years younger than me. To date him just to feel alive and normal? That’s terrible for me. I am sure there is no marriage for us in the future. Sometimes he says that he doesn’t want to go back home to his wife, but he feels sorry for his son. I don’t say anything to this. I just listen. I have two girlfriends. Both are married. Their husbands are seven years younger than they are, but you can’t see the difference unless you know. They have happy lives. But in my case the difference is fifteen years! I scrutinize the way I look – I already have wrinkles. What will I look like when I am fifty?

Answer. The age difference would be the least of my concerns. Nobody knows what will happen in ten years. Remember, that a man values your positive energy. Not all young girls have this energy. A fifty-year old woman can be more active in sex than a thirty-year old man. That is not the point. What you should think about though, is your guy’s habit to complain. He can be doing that for years. If you want some certainty, tell him about it honestly. Discuss with him all the expectations and how you view his relationship with the son. Then give him some time to decide.

If after the time you have given him he doesn’t show up at your door with a packed suitcase, break up with him. If you give in and start seeing him again, you will be listening to his complaints about his wife for years. Why do you need to think about yourself when you are fifty? You will have a good life if you can produce joy. It is this simple! I think that what confuses you is not the difference in age. It is the difference in understanding of life. A man does what a man is normally supposed to do. A woman loves him for that. If there are no manly actions, then why would a woman love him? If he can’t love you, then search for the one who can.

Question 20. How to forget about your former partner and cherish the one who is next to you now?

A friend of mine has caught herself in a bind. She doesn’t know what to do and she is getting physically unwell because of that. The situation is the following. She lived with Kevin for a long time and was happy. They studied together and loved each other. He knew and understood her well. However, after some time she met Matt and left Kevin. She lived with Matt for three years and hoped to become his wife. Matt didn’t marry her and even gave her a hint that it was time for her to move out. It broke her heart. She met with Kevin again and he told her that he still loved her and offered her to live with him. My friend was not local and she didn’t have a place of her own.

She moved in with Kevin again. He was a nice and reliable guy. At first everything was fine, but she couldn’t forget Matt. Eventually Kevin started irritating her with his excessive love. He even blamed her for not loving him enough. He probably understood that she still had feelings for Matt. So she has a dilemma now. She doesn’t want to lose Kevin, but it is getting more and more difficult to live with him. She knows that she is using him and feels guilty. She is also afraid to be alone even though she is a very attractive and talented girl. What do you think she should do?

Answer. If he has started to irritate her, it will only get worse. Imagine living with somebody who irritates you every day! In her case it will be even more difficult because she feels guilty for using him. This decision should be made by your friend.

Question 21. To continue a relationship or not?

How do you understand if you should continue a relationship or not? Is it «your» kind of man? What are the «signs»? Is it your own desire, interest, joy, hopes for the future or something else?

Answer. The most important thing is that if a man is «yours», you don’t need to lie to him. He will understand everything. This is the most valuable quality! This is when you will have joy, interest, desire and hopes. If this quality is not there, you won’t have any pleasure in a relationship.

Chapter 8. Infidelity

A man’s unfaithfulness is probably the biggest obstacle for a family. Many women are of the opinion that you can’t change men’s nature and so they just come to terms with that. However, I am certain that if a woman acts in the right way and a man is not a self-centered jackass, their family – definitely! – will be happy. There is one little condition though. Their family will be happy if this is the main goal for both of them. Here is my personal opinion – having got married a normal man doesn’t have any intentions to cheat on his wife. He can entertain a theoretical idea, but he doesn’t want to do it in real life. He cheats only when his wife disappoints him.

I think that whether a man will or will not cheat on his wife depends on that very specific man. It doesn’t depend on circumstances, «sexual hunger» or his beloved woman’s behavior. People who like alcohol won’t let themselves drink before they have to go to work, they are afraid of what might happen. People won’t let themselves have coffee before bed if the next day is very important and they need to sleep well that night. All people can control themselves. It all depends on how strong their desire is. The same can be said about a man’s infidelity. If you want to be the one and only woman, then you should look for a man who will not be cheating on you. Once you have found him, love, adore and spoil him. Don’t complain about headaches. Give love to him and receive love from him. He won’t cheat on you. When you eat, you do it consciously. It means that you do the same with your sexual desires – you can control them.

Many couples allow different forms of infidelity in their sexual lives. For some people imagination is enough to experience something new in sex. Others organize more visual «cheating» – well-known role playing. Hello, I am your new housekeeper. Is it a spider web there in the corner? I need a ladder to get to it. Is it alright that I am not wearing panties? It is very hot today… And so a forbidden fruit becomes a regular apple. A man usually looks to satisfy not his sexual hunger but his adrenaline hunger. He needs new experiences and feelings.

If a man doesn’t want to be with his family, objective circumstances like children, shared business or emotional manipulation will not make him stay. In any case, I would talk about infidelity with my husband. A woman has her views on faithfulness, a man might have different views. A tragedy happens when it turns out to be that those views are not the same. It is important for partners to discuss where they stand when it comes to this uneasy question.

I often receive letters from women who have faced their men cheating on them. If a man doesn’t have enough of women when he is young, he tries to catch up when he is forty or fifty for example. You can play games with your life when you are twenty, thirty and fifty. The smarter the person is, the sooner he or she stops playing games and starts treating their life with respect. If you are lucky to meet «your» man early in life, you do need to be smart to appreciate it.

Question 22. My husband has a lover. What should I do?

I know that my husband has had a mistress for two years now. More than that, they openly communicate on social networks. What should I do to make him think? It seems to me that my mistake is in that I am not bitchy enough at the age of fifty.

Answer. Are you sure that your main problem is to make your husband turn his brain on? I think you are mistaken here. You are fifty and for the last two years you have been stressed. Let me point out that this kind of stress is one of the nastiest ones, because it involves uncertainty and doubtfulness. It means that all of your thoughts move in a vicious cycle. You are looking for a way out of the situation where not much depends on you, because there are two other adult people involved in this. Such long lasting stresses have negative consequences like depression or even cancer. I think that the only safe and normal way out is to give your husband freedom. Let him go until he decides what he wants. For the time being you need to stop having sex with him and start living separately.

Question 23. My husband writes poems dedicated to another woman.

I am currently having a very difficult family situation. I have been married for over twenty years. Three years ago he started communicating with a woman on-line. Before that they hadn’t known each other. The result of their communication is «love». In the last two years he has written around three hundred poems. They have met. The first time was about a year ago. They have had sex. According to him they love each other. He told me about this half a year ago. When he was saying these words, he looked like he was having a fit of passion. In the beginning he was saying that it was only friendship and that he loved me. I knew the truth though.

When he notified me about his feelings, I told him that I wasn’t going to beg him to stay. I needed him to think about everything. It’s been quite a long time since then. He hasn’t left me. Yet. They keep communicating. As far as I understand his new woman (by the way, she also has been married for over twenty years) lives far away from him. My husband said that he would do everything to be with her. However, he hasn’t done anything but writing poems so far. He has declared total freedom in my personal life (though he gets jealous all the time). He is not leaving me, because he has nowhere to go. In addition, he doesn’t have enough money to support two families. We have two sons who are eighteen right now.

This situation is humiliating for me. For a long time, I have considered her his unhealthy obsession. I don’t believe that you can know a person so well while talking via the Internet. I understand how she could become his inspiration and an object of dreams! I hope you also understand why.

I don’t want you to think that I humiliate myself, but I do forgive him a lot of things. Of course, it means nothing to him. He stays with me, even in bed. If I initiate sex, he often refuses. But after some time he starts to make passes. To make a long story short, I don’t completely understand what is going on and what I should be doing. We have talked on multiple occasions, but he hasn’t given me a definite answer. Maybe he is waiting for me to leave. Please advise something if you can.

Answer. Do you want to understand a man who acts like a child? I think that he doesn’t understand himself. There is nothing really to understand. He lives a fine life, he has sex and it is warm and clean in the house. A man rarely thinks about relationships. So you should decide for yourself how you can become happy. In my opinion, you think more about him than you do about yourself. He has found this pleasure in life and he is happy. You think about him and torture yourself. It doesn’t really matter if you have been together for ten, twenty or forty years. If you have different interests, he will find somebody he can share interests with. Here is your choice: you either find somebody that is «yours», or you try to prove to your husband that he has made a mistake.

Question 24. I think my partner will cheat on me soon.

Tell me how can I trust him again? I think that my beloved has cheated on me. I don’t have any proof, but my life has turned into a nightmare. I am afraid that he will be cheating on me.

Answer. I think your goal is wrong. You want to become blind instead of being able to see everything. You want to trust somebody you already don’t trust. I would set a different goal, a more beneficial one for you. I would become a woman who will be followed by men. I would become a woman that he would be afraid to lose and not vice versa. Start using your energy to achieve this goal. These thoughts about his possible infidelity are going to eat you up. Your man feels that you depend on him like a slave and he will get tired of you soon. We already know the end of this story.

When he sees that other men are fascinated by you, everything will change. Thus, your main goal should be to learn to charm men.

Chapter 9. Who are womanizers and how to live with them?