Dolores Claiborne

    I dunno for sure, and that's the truth. I don't think so. And if she was, it sure wasn't in the ordinary way old folks go senile. And I'm not just sayin that because if it turns out she was, the judge in charge of probatin her will's apt to use it to blow his nose with. He can wipe his ass with it, for all of me; all I want's to get outta this friggin mess she's landed me in. But I still gotta say she probably wa'ant completely vacant upstairs, not even at the end. A few rooms to rent, maybe, but not completely vacant.

    The main reason I say so was she had days when she was almost as sharp as ever. They were usually the same days when she could see a little, and help you to sit her up in bed, or maybe even take those two steps from the bed to the wheelchair instead of having to be hoisted across like a bag of grain. I'd put her in the wheelchair so I could change her bed, and she wanted to be in it so she could go over to her window-the one that looked out on the side yard and the harbor view beyond that. She told me once that she'd go out of her mind for good if she had to lay in bed all day and all night with nothing but the ceiling and the walls to look at, and I believed her.

    She had her confused days, yes-days when she didn't know who I was, and hardly even who she was. On those days she was like a boat that's come loose from its moorins, except the ocean she was adrift on was time-she was apt to think it was 1947 in the mornin and 1974 in the afternoon. But she had good days, too. There were less of them as time went on and she kept havin those little strokes-shocks, the old folks call em-but she did have em. Her good days was often my bad ones, though, because she'd get up to all her old bitchery if I let her.

    She'd get mean. That was the second way she had of bein a bitch. That woman could be as mean as cat-dirt when she wanted to. Even stuck in a bed most of the time, wearin diapers and rubber pants, she could be a real stinker. The messes she made on cleanin days is as good an example of what mean as anything. She didn't make em every week, but by God I'll tell you that she made em on Thursdays too often for it to be just a coincidence.

    Thursdays was cleanin day at the Donovans”. It's a huge house-you don't have any idear until you're actually wanderin around inside it-but most of it's closed off. The days when there might be half a dozen girls with their hair done up in kerchiefs, polishin here and warshin windows there and dustin cobwebs outta the ceiling corners somewhere else, are twenty years or more in the past. I have walked through those gloomy rooms sometimes, lookin at the furniture swaddled up in dust-sheets, and thought of how the place used to look back in the fifties, when they had their summer parties-there was always different-colored Japanese lanterns on the lawn, how well I remember that. F-and I get the funniest chill. In the end the bright colors always go out of life, have you ever noticed that? In the end things always look gray, like a dress that's been warshed too many times.

    For the last four years, the open part of the house has been the kitchen, the main parlor, the dinin room, the sun-room that looks out on the pool and the patio, and four bedrooms upstairs-hers, mine, and the two guest-rooms The guest-rooms weren't heated much in wintertime, but they were kept nice in case her children did come to spend some time.

    Even in these last few years I always had two girls from town who helped me on cleanin days. There's always been a pretty lively turnover there, but since 1990 or so it's been Shawna Wyndham and Frank's sister Susy. I couldn't do it without em, but I still do a lot of it m'self, and by the time the girls go home at four on Thursday afternoons, I'm “bout dead on my feet. There's still a lot to do, though-the last of the ironin, Friday's shoppin list to write out, and Her Nib's supper to get, a course. No rest for the wicked, as they say.

    Only before any of those things, like as not, there'd be some of her bitchery to sort out.

    She was regular about her calls of nature most of the time. I'd slip the bedpan under her every three hours, and she'd do a tinkle for me. And on most days there was apt to be a clinker in the pan along with the pee after the noon call.

    Except on Thursdays, that is.

    Not every Thursday, but on the Thursdays when she was bright, I could count on trouble more often than not… and on a backache that'd keep me awake until midnight. Even Anacin-3 wouldn't ease it at the end. I've been healthy as a horse most of my life and I'm still healthy as a horse, but sixty-five is sixty-five. You can't shake things off the way you once could.

    On Thursday, instead of gettin half a bedpan filled with pee at six in the morning, I'd get just a dribble. The same thing at nine. And at noon, instead of some pee and a clinker, there was apt to be nothing at all. I'd know then I might be in for it. The only times I absolutely knew I was in for it were the times when I hadn't gotten a clinker out of her Wednesday noon, either.

    I see you tryin not to laugh, Andy, but that's all right-you let it out if you have to. It wasn't no laughing matter then, but it's over now, and what you're thinkin ain't nothin but the truth. The dirty old bag had her a shit savings account, and it was like some weeks she banked it in order to collect the interest… only I was the one who got all the withdrawals. I got em whether I wanted em or not.

    I spent most of my Thursday afternoons runnin upstairs, tryin to catch her in time, and sometimes I even did. But whatever the state of her eyes might be, there was nothing wrong with her ears, and she knew I never let any of the town girls vacuum the Aubusson rug in the parlor. And when she heard the vacuum cleaner start up in there, she'd crank up her tired old fudge factory and that Shit Account of hers'd start payin dividends.

    Then I thought up a way of catchin her. I'd yell to one of the girls that I guessed I'd vacuum the parlor next. I'd yell that even if they was both right next door in the dinin room. I'd turn on the vacuum, all right, but instead of usin it, I'd go to the foot of the stairs and stand there with one foot on the bottom step and my hand on the knob of the newel Post, like one of those track fellows all hunkered down waitin for the starter to shoot off his gun and let them go.

    Once or twice I went up too Soon. That wa'ant no good. It was like a racer gettin disqualified for jumpin the gun. You had to get up there after she had her motor runnin too fast to shut down, but before she'd actually Popped her clutch and dumped a load into those big old continence pants she wore. I got pretty good at it. You would, too, if you knew you'd end up hossin a hundred and ninety Pounds of old lady around if you timed it wrong. It was like tryin to deal with a hand grenade loaded with shit instead of high explosives.

    I'd get up there and she'd be layin in that hospital bed of hers, face all red, her mouth all screwed up, her elbows diggin into the mattress and her hands balled up in fists, and she'd be goin “Unnh!

    Unnnnnhhhh! UNNNNNNNNNNHHHHr I tell you something-all she needed was a coupla rolls of flypaper danglin down from the ceilin and a Sears catalogue in her lap to look right at home.

    Aw, Nancy, quit bitin the insides of y'cheeks-better to let it out n bear the shame than hold it in n bear the pain, as they say. Besides, it does have its funny side; shit always does. Ask any kid. I c'n even let it be a little funny to me now that it's over, and that's somethin, ain't it? No matter how big a jam I'm in, my time of dealin with Vera Donovan's Shit Thursdays is over.

    She'd hear me come in, and mad? She'd be just as mad as a bear with one paw caught in a honey-tree. “What are you doing up here?” she'd ask in that hoity-toity way of talking she'd use whenever you caught her gettin up to dickens, like she was still going to Vassar or Holy Oaks or whichever one of the Seven Sisters it was her folks sent her to. “This is cleaning day, Dolores! You go on about your business! I didn't ring for you and I don't need you!”

    She didn't scare me none. “I think you do need me,” I'd say. “That ain't Chanel Number Five I smell comin from the direction of your butt, is it?”

    Sometimes she'd even try to slap at my hands when I pulled down the sheet and the blanket. She'd be glarin like she meant to turn me to stone if I didn't leave off and she'd have her lower lip all pooched out like a little kid who don't want to go to school. I never let any of that stop me, though. Not Patricia Claiborne's daughter Dolores. I'd get the sheet down in about three seconds, and it never took much more'n another five to drop her drawers and yank the tapes on those diapers she wore, whether she was slappin my hands or not. Most times she left off doin that after a couple of tries, anyway, because she was caught and we both knew it. Her equipment was so old that once she got it goin, things just had to run their course. I'd slide the bedpan under her just as neat as you please, and when I left to go back downstairs n really vacuum the parlor, she was apt to be swearin like a dock walloper didn't sound a bit like a Vassar girl then, let me tell you! Because she knew that time she'd lost the game, you see, and there was nothing Vera hated worse'n that. Even in her cotage, she hated to lose somethin fierce.

    Things went on that way for quite awhile, and I started to think I'd won the whole war instead of just a couple of battles. I should have known better.

    There came a cleaning day-this was about a year and a half ago-when I was all set and ready to run my race upstairs and catch her again. I'd even got to like it, sort of; it made up for a lot of times in the past when I'd come off second best with her. And I figured she was plannin on a real shit tornado that time, if she could get away with it. All the signs were there, and then some. For One thing, she wasn't just havin a bright day, she'd been havin a bright week-she'd even asked me that Monday to put the board across the arms of her chair so she could have a few games of Big Clock Solitaire, just like in the old days. And as far as her bowels went, she was havin one hell of a dry spell; she hadn't dropped nothing in the collection plate since the weekend. I figured that particular Thursday she was plannin on givin me her goddam Christmas Club as well as her savins account.

    After I took the bedpan out “from under her that cleaning day noon and saw it was as dry as a bone, I says to her, “Don't you think you could do something if you tried a little bit harder, Vera?”

    “Oh Dolores,” she says back, looking up at me with her filmy blue eyes just as innocent as Mary's little lamb, “I've already tried as hard as I can-I tried so hard it hurt me. I guess I am just constipated.”

    I agreed with her right off. “I guess you are, and if it doesn't clear up soon, dear, I'll just have to feed you a whole box of Ex-Lax to dynamite you loose.”

    “Oh, I think it'll take care of itself in time,” she said, and give me one of her smiles. She didn't have any teeth by then, accourse, and she couldn't wear her lower plate unless she was sittin up in her chair, in case she might cough and pull it down her throat and choke on it. When she smiled, her face looked like an old piece of tree-trunk with a punky knothole in it. “You know me, Dolores-I believe in letting nature take her course.

    “I know you, all right,” I kind of muttered, turnin away.

    “What did you say, dear?” she asks back, so sweet you'd've thought sugar wouldn't melt in her mouth.

    “I said I can't just stand around here waitin for you to go number two,” I said. “I got housework. It's cleaning day, you know.”

    “Oh, is it?” she says back, just as if she hadn't known what day it was from the first second she woke up that morning. “Then you go on, Dolores. If I feel the need to move my bowels, I'll call you.

    I bet you will, I was thinkin, about five minutes after it happens. But I didn't say it; I just went on back downstairs.

    I got the vacuum cleaner out of the kitchen closet, took it into the parlor, and plugged it in. I didn't start it up right away, though; I spent a few minutes dusting first. I had gotten so I could depend on my instincts by then, and I was waiting for somethin inside to tell me the time was right.

    When that thing spoke up and said it was, I hollered to Susy and Shawna that I was going to vacuum the parlor. I yelled loud enough so I imagine half the people down in the village heard me right along with the Queen Mother upstairs. I started the Kirby, then went to the foot of the stairs. I didn't give it long that day; thirty or forty seconds was all. I figured she had to be hangin on by a thread. So up I went, two stairs at a time, and what do you think?

    Nothin!

    Not… one… thing.

    Except.

    Except the way she was lookin at me, that was. Just as calm and as sweet as you please.

    “Did you forget somethin, Dolores?” she coos.

    “Ayuh,” I says back, “I forgot to quit this job five years ago. Let's just stop it, Vera.”

    “Stop what, dear?” she asks, kinda flutterin her eyelashes, like she didn't have the slightest idear what I could be talkin about.

    “Let's quit evens, is what I mean. Just tell me straight out-do you need the bedpan or not?”

    “I don't,” she says in her best, most totally honest voice. “I told you that!” And just smiled at me. She didn't say a word, but she didn't have to. Her face did all the talkin that needed to be done. I got you, Dolores, it was sayin. I got you good.

    But I wasn't done. I knew she was holdin onto one gut-buster of a b. m., and I knew there'd be hell to pay if she got a good start before I could get the bedpan under her. So I went downstairs and stood by that vacuum, and I waited five minutes, and then I ran up again. Only that time she didn't smile at me when I came in. That time she was lyin on her side, fast asleep… or that was what I thought. I really did. She fooled me good and proper, and you know what they say-fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

    When I went back down the second time, I really did vacuum the parlor. When the job was done, I put the Kirby away and went back to check on her. She was sittin up in bed, wide awake, covers thrown back, her rubber pants pushed down to her big old flabby knees and her diapers undone. Had she made a mess? Great God! The bed was full of shit, she was covered with shit, there was shit on the rug, on the wheelchair, on the walls. There was even shit on the curtains. It looked like she musta taken up a handful and flang it, the way kids'll fling mud at each other when they're swimmin in a cow-pond.

    Was I mad! Mad enough to spit!

    “Oh, Vera! Oh, you dirty BITCH!” I screamed at her. I never killed her, Andy, but if I was gonna, I would've done it that day, when I saw that mess and smelled that room. I wanted to kill her, all right; no use lyin about that. And she just looked at me with that foozled expression she got when her mind was playing tricks on her… but I could see the devil dancin in her eyes, and I knew well enough who the trick had been played on that time. Fool me twice, shame on me.

    “Who's that?” she asked. “Brenda, is that you, dear? Have the cows got out again?”

    “You know there ain't been a cow within three miles of here since 1955!” I hollered. I came across the room, takin great big strides, and that was a mistake, because one of my loafers come down on a turd and I damn near went spang on my back. If I had done, I guess I really might have killed her; I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. Right then I was ready to plow fire and reap brimstone.

    “I dooon't,” she says, tryin to sound like the poor old pitiful lady she really was on a lot of days. “I doooooon't! I can't see, and my stomach is so upset. I think I'm going to be whoopsy. Is it you, Dolores?”

    “Coss it's me, you old bat!” I said, still hollerin at the top of my lungs. “I could just kill you!”

    I imagine by then Susy Proulx and Shawna Wyndham were standin at the foot of the stairs, gettin an earful, and I imagine you've already talked to em and that they've got me halfway to hung. No need to tell me one way or the other, Andy; awful open, your face is.

    Vera seen she wasn't fooling me a bit, at least not anymore, so she gave up tryin to make me believe she'd gone into one of her bad times and got mad herself in self-defense. I think maybe I scared her a little, too. Lookin back on it, I scared myself-but Andy, if you'd seen that room! It looked like dinnertime in hell.

    “I guess you'll do it, too!” she yelled back at me. “Someday you really will, you ugly, bad-natured old harridan! You'll kill me just like you killed your husband!”

    “No, ma'am,” I said. Not exactly. When I get ready to settle your hash, I won't bother makin it look like an accident-I'll just shove you out the window, and there'll be one less smelly bitch in the world.”

    I grabbed her around the middle and hoisted her up like I was Superwoman. I felt it in my back that night, I can tell you, and by the next morning I could hardly walk, I was in such pain. I went to that chiropractor in Machias and he did something to it that made it feel a little better, but it ain't never really been right since that day. Right then I didn't feel a thing, though. I pulled her out of that bed of hers like I was a pissed-off little girl and she was the Raggedy Ann doll I was gonna take it out on. She started to tremble all over, and just knowing that she really was scared helped me catch hold of my temper again, but I'd be a dirty liar if I didn't say I was glad she was scared.

    “Oooouuu!” she screams. “Ooouuuu, doooon't! Don't take me over to the window! Don't you throw me out, don't you dare! Put me down! You're hurrrting me, Dolores! 0OOUUUUU PUT ME DOOOWWWWN!”

    “Oh quitcha yappin,” I says, and drops her into her wheelchair hard enough to rattle her teeth, if she'd had any teeth to rattle, that is. “Lookit the mess you made. And don't try to tell me you can't see it, either, because I know you can. lust look!”

    “I'm sorry, Dolores,” she says. She started to blubber, but I saw that mean little light dancing way down in her eyes. I saw it the way you can sometimes see fish in clear water when you get up on your knees in a boat and look over the side. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make a mess, I was just trying to help. “ That's what she always said when she shit the bed and then squooshed around in it a little, although that day was the first time she ever decided to fingerpaint with it as well. I was just tryin to help, Dolores-Jesus wept.

    “Sit there and shut up,” I said. “If you really don't want a fast ride over to that window and an even faster one down to the rock garden, you best mind what I say. “ And those girls down there at the foot of the stairs, I have no doubt at all, listenin to every word we was sayin. But right then I was too goddam mad to think about anythin like that.

    She had enough sense to shut up like I told her, but she looked satisfied, and why not? She'd done what she set out to do-this time it was her who'd won the battle, and made it clear as windowglass that the war wasn't over, not by a long chalk. I went to work, cleaning and settin the place to rights again. It took the best part of two hours, and by the time I was done, my back was singin “Ave Maria”.

    I told you about the sheets, how that was, and I could see by your faces that you understood some of that. It's harder to understand about her messes. I mean, shit don't cross my eyes. I been wipin it up all my life and the sight of it never crossed my eyes. It don't smell like a flower-garden, accourse, and you have to be careful of it because it carries disease just like snot and spit and spilled blood, but it warshes off, you know. Anyone who's ever had a baby knows that shit warshes off. So that wasn't what made it so bad.

    I think it was that she was so mean about it. So made the worst mess she could, and she did it just as fast as she could, because she knew I wouldn't give her long. She did that nasty thing on purpose, do you see what I'm gettin at? As far as her fogged-in brain would let her, she planned it out, and that weighed on my heart and darkened my outlook while I was cleanin up after her. While I was strippin the bed; while I was takin the shitty mattress pad and the shitty sheets and the shitty pillowslips down to the laundry chute; while I was scrubbin the floor, and the walls, and the windowpanes; while I was takin down the curtains and put-tin up fresh ones, while I was makin her bed again; while I was grittin my teeth n tryin to keep my back locked in place while I cleaned her up n got a fresh nightgown on her n then hossed her outta the chair and back into bed again (and her not helpin a bit but just bum there in my arms, dead weight, although I know damn well that was one of the days when she could have helped, if she'd wanted to); while I was warshin the floor; while I was warshin off her god-dam wheelchair, and really havin t'scrub by then because the stuff was dried on-while I was doin all that, my heart was low and my outlook was darkened. She knew it, too.

    She knew it and it made her happy.

    When I went home that night I took some Anacin-3 for my aching back and then I went to bed and I curled up in a little ball even though that hurt my back, too, and I cried and cried and cried. It seemed like I couldn't stop. Never-at least since the old business with Joe-have I felt so downhearted and hopeless. Or so friggin old.

    That was the second way she had of bein a bitch-by bein mean.

    What say, Frank? Did she do it again?

    You're damned tooting. She did it again the next week, and the week after that. It wasn't as bad as that first adventure either time, partly because she wasn't able to save up such a dividend, but mostly because I was prepared for it. I went to bed crying again after the second time it happened, though, and as I lay there in bed feeling that misery way down low in my back, I made up my mind to quit. I didn't know what'd happen to her or who would take care of her, but right then I didn't care a fiddlyfuck. As far as I was concerned, she could starve to death layin in her own shitty bed.

    I was still crying when I fell off to sleep, because the idear of quittin-of her gettin the best of me-made me feel worse'n ever, but when I woke up, I felt good. I guess it's true how a person's mind doesn't go to sleep even if a person thinks it does; it just goes on thinkin,-and sometimes it does an even better job when the person in charge isn't there to frig it up with the usual run of chatter that goes on in a body's head-chores to do, what to have for lunch, what to watch on TV, things like that. It must be true, because the reason I felt so good was that I woke up knowin how she was foolin me. The only reason I hadn't seen it before was because I was apt to underestimate her-ayuh, even me, and I knew how sly she could be from time to time. And once I understood the trick, I knew what to do about it.

    It hurt me to know I'd have to trust one of the Thursday girls to vacuum the Aubusson-and the idear of Shawna Wyndham doin it gave me what my grampa used to call the shiverin hits. You know how gormy she is, Andy-all the Wyndhams are gormy, accourse, but she's got the rest of em beat seven ways to downtown. It's like she grows bumps right out of her body to knock things over with when she goes by em. It ain't her fault, it's somethin in the blood, but I couldn't bear thinkin of Shawna chargin around in the parlor, with all of Vera's carnival glass and Tiffany just beggin to be knocked over.

    Still, I had to do somethin-fool me twice, shame on me-and luckily there was Susy to fall back on. She wa'ant no ballerina, but it was her vacuumed the Aubusson for the next year, and she never broke a thing. She's a good girl, Frank, and I can't tell you how glad I was to get that weddin announcement from her, even if the fella was from away. How are they doin? What do you hear?

    Well, that's fine. Fine. I'm glad for her. I don't s'pose she's got a bun in the oven yet, does she? These days it seems like folks wait until they're almost ready for the old folks” home before they-Yes, Andy, I will! I just wish you'd remember it's my life I'm talkin about here-my goddam life! So why don't you just flop back in that big old chair of yours and put your feet up and relax? If you keep pushin that way, you're gonna give y'self a rupture.

    Anyway, Frank, you give her my best, and tell her she just about saved Dolores Claiborne's life in the summer of “91. You c'n give her the inside story about the Thursday shitstorms n how I stopped em. I never told em exactly what was goin on; all they knew for sure was that I was buttin heads with Her Royal Majesty. I see now I was ashamed to tell em what was goin on. I guess I don't like gettin beat any more than Vera did.

    It was the sound of the vacuum, you see. That was what I realized when I woke up that mornin. I told you there was nothin wrong with her ears, and it was the sound of the vacuum that told her if I was really doin the parlor or standin at the foot of the stairs, on my mark. When a vacuum cleaner is sittin in one spot, it only makes one sound, you see. Just zooooooo, like that. But when you're vacuumin a rug, it makes two sounds, and they go up and down in waves. WHOOP, that's when you push it out. And zoop, that's when you pull it back to you for another stroke. WHOOP-zoo p, WHOOP-zoo p, WHOOP-zoop.

    Quit scratchin your head, you two, and look at the smile Nancy's wearn. All a body'd have to do to know which of you has spent some time runnin a vacuum cleaner is look at your faces. If you really feel like it's that important, Andy, try it for yourself. You'll hear it right off, though I imagine Maria'd just about drop dead if she came in and saw you vacuumin the livin-room rug.

    What I realized that momin was that she'd stopped just listenin for when the vacuum cleaner started runnin, because she'd realized that wasn't good enough anymore. She was listenin to see if the sound went up and down like it does when a vacuum's actually workin. She wouldn't pull her dirty little trick until she heard that WHOOP-WOOOP wave.

    I was crazy to try out my new idear, but I couldn't right away, because she went into one of her bad times right about then, and for quite awhile she just did her business in the bedpan or peed a little in her diapers if she had to. And I started to get scared that this would be the time she wouldn't come back out of it. I know that sounds funny, since she was so much easier to mind when she was confused in her thinkin, but when a person gets a good idear like that, they kinda want to take it for a test-drive. And you know, I felt somethin for that bitch besides wanting to throttle her. After knowin her over forty years, it'd be goddam strange if I didn't. She knitted me an afghan once, you know-this was long before she got really bad, but it's still on my bed, and it's some warm on those February nights when the wind plays up nasty.

    Then, about a month or a month and a half after I woke up with my idear, she started to come around again. She'd watch Jeopardy on the little bedroom TV and rag the contestants if they didn't know who was President durin the Spanish-American War or who played Melanie in Gone With the Wind. She started all her old globber about how her kids might come n visit her before Labor Day. And, accourse, she pestered to be put in her chair so she could watch me hang the sheets and make sure I used six pins and not just four.

    Then there come a Thursday when I pulled the bedpan out from under her at noon dry as a bone and empty as a car salesman's promises. I can't tell you how pleased I was to see that empty bedpan. Here we go, you sly old fox, I thought. Now ain't we gonna see. I went downstairs and called Susy Proulx into the parlor.

    “I want you to vacuum in here today, Susy,” I told her.

    “Okay, Missus Claiborne,” she said. That's what both of them called me, Andy-what most people on the island call me, s'far's that goes. I never made an issue of it at church or anywhere else, but that's how it is. It's like they think I was married to a fella named Claiborne at some point in my checkered past… or maybe I just want to believe most of em don't remember Joe, although I guess there's plenty who do. It don't matter too much, one way or the other, in the end; I guess I am entitled to believe what I want to believe. I was the one married to the bastard, after all.

    “I don't mind,” she goes on, “but why are you whisperin?”

    “Never mind,” I said, “just keep your own voice down. And don't you break anything in here, Susan Emma Proulx-don't you dare.”

    Well, she blushed just as red as the side of the volunteer fire truck; it was actually sorta comical. “How'd you know my middle name was Emma?”

    “None of your beeswax,” I says. “I've spent donkey's years on Little Tall, and there's no end to the things I know, and the people I know em about. You just be careful of your elbows around the furniture and Missus God's carnival glass vases, especially when you're backin up, and you won't have a thing to worry about.”

    “I'll be extra careful,” she said.

    I turned the Kirby on for her, and then I stepped into the hall, cupped my hands around my mouth, and hollered: “Susy! Shawna! I'm gonna vacuum the parlor now!”

    Susy was standin right there, accourse, and I tell you that girl's entire face was a question mark. I just kinda flapped my hand at her, tellin her to go on about her business and never mind me. Which she did.

    I tiptoed over to the foot of the stairs n stood in my old place. I know it's silly, but I ain't been so excited since my Dad took me huntin for the first time when I was twelve. It was the same kind of feelin, too, with your heart beatin hard and kinda fiat in your chest and neck. The woman had dozens of valuable antiques as well as all that expensive glass in the parlor, but I never spared a thought to Susy Proulx in there, whirlin and twirlin amongst them like a dervish. Do you believe it?

    I made myself stay where I was as long as I could, about a minute and a half, I think. Then I dashed. And when I popped into her room, there she was, face red, eyes all squinched down into slits, fists balled up, goin “Unhh! Unhhhhh! UNHHHHH!” Her eyes flew open in a hurry when she heard the bedroom door bang open, though. Oh, I wish I'd had a camera-it was priceless.

    “Dolores, you get right back out of here!” she kinda squeaks. “I'm tryin to have a nap, and I can't do it if you're going to come busting in here like a bull with a hard-on every twenty minutes!”

    “Well,” I said, “I'll go, but first I think I'll put this old fanny-pan under you. From the smell, I'd say a little scare was about all you needed to take care of your constipation problem.”

    She slapped at my hands and cussed me-she could cuss somethin fierce when she wanted to, and she wanted to every time somebody crossed her-but I didn't pay much attention. I got the bedpan under her slick as a whistle, and, like they say, everythin came out all right. When it was done, I looked at her and she looked at me and neither one of us had to say a thing. We knew each other of old, you see.

    There, you nasty old quim, I was sayin with my face. I've caught up with you again, and how do you like it?

    Not much, Dolores, she was sayin with hers, but that's all right; just because you've got caught up doesn't mean you'll stay caught up.

    I did, though-that time I did. There were a few more little messes, but never again anythin like the time I told you about, when there was even shit on the curtains. That was really her last hurrah. After that, the times when her mind was clear got fewer and fewer, and when they came, they were short. It saved my achin back, but it made me sad, too. She was a pain, but she was one I'd gotten used to, if you see what I mean.

    Could I have another glass of water, Frank?

    Thank you. Talkin's thirsty work. And if you decide to let that bottle of Gentleman Jim Beam out of your desk for a little fresh air, Andy, I'll never tell.

    No? Well, that's about what I expected from the likes of you.