The Curse of Hermes Trismegistus

The doorbell rings several times in the darkness. Suddenly, light flashes out. Golyshkin opens the door and Rodion comes in.

Rodion. Did I wake you up, dad? Sorry. I couldn’t find my keys. I might have left them at home or lost in a taxi.

Golyshkin. I wasn’t sleeping. By the way, what time is it?

Rodion. It’s about six o’clock at night. Or should I say morning? How would it be correct from a philosophical point of view?

Golyshkin. Why are you coming back so late? And also drunk.

Rodion. Father, I am no longer a child. And I really want to sleep. Let's talk tomorrow. If you don’t mind.

Golyshkin. But what if I do mind?

Rodion. Okay, today then. But only after I get a good sleep. It will be sometime after lunch. Closer to sunset.

Golyshkin. You're in a wonderful mood, as I see.

Rodion. Did you like it better when I was locked up in my room and never went out?

Golyshkin. Of course not. But you could have called me, at least. And let me know that you were late.

Rodion. I’ve apologized, dad!

Golyshkin. For losing your keys. But not for making me worry.

Rodion. Couldn’t it be all at once? Father, let's finish this topic, please. Don't ruin this beautiful evening.

Golyshkin. Maybe you would tell me where you've been?

Rodion. Okay, I’ve been at a cool party and with a very pretty pussy. Hopefully, you are not interested in details? Like a really educated person.

Golyshkin. Aren't you interested that your old father was worrying about you? I might have had a heart attack!

Rodion. Daddy, as one person has recently said, you are outrageously healthy for your age. So don't make me feel sorry for you. It won't work.

Golyshkin. Do you mean Olga Alekseevna?

Rodion. And who else? Luckily, we don't have many common friends, especially women.

Golyshkin. When did you see her?

Rodion. Me? I don’t remember now… And why are you asking me about it in such a tone?

Golyshkin. I haven’t seen her for a week. I thought…

Rodion. Dad, has anyone told you that you think too much?

Golyshkin. Thinking never hurts anyone.

Rodion. Sometimes in life it is necessary not only to think, but also to act. But, by the way, do as you wish. Teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

Golyshkin. You're right, cool egg. Go to sleep!

Rodion. This is great! Why don't you just say goodnight to me, father? Just like mom always did.

Golyshkin. I also miss our mother, son …

Rodion. What did you say? I didn't hear, sorry.

Golyshkin. Nothing. Good night!

Rodion. Yeah. And the same to you!

Rodion leaves. Golyshkin goes to his office and walks nervously from corner to corner in the dimly lit room, thinking about something. The phone rings. The spotlight beam snatches out Myshevsky with a mobile phone in his hands.

Myshevsky. Good morning professor. Am I too early?

Golyshkin. Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Myshevsky! In fact, I haven't even gone to bed yet.

Myshevsky. Are you still thinking about my offer?

Golyshkin. You are right.

Myshevsky. So, have you made a decision?

Golyshkin. I’ve already told you – I am a philosopher, not an adventurer.

Myshevsky. I don’t like adventures either, as any serious businessman. But now it’s quite a different case. It has nothing to do with adventure. This time it has to do with gold. Oh, how it smells, professor! Much better that your favorite jasmine… Do you remember a legend about the falcon and the raven? It is better to live thirty years, eating fresh blood, than three hundred years, eating carrion.

Golyshkin. Maybe you are right.

Myshevsky. In that case… take a decision, professor!

Golyshkin. Give me another half an hour.

Myshevsky. What for?

Golyshkin. Only half an hour. And then I'll call you back. And I will definitely say yes or no.

Myshevsky. Good. Thirty minutes are not three hundred years.

Golyshkin hangs up. The spotlight beam goes down and Myshevsky disappears. Golyshkin dials the number again. The beam snatches Olga out of the darkness.

Olga. Oh, who is there so early? Just don’t say that you’ve dialed the wrong number!

Golyshkin. This is professor Golyshkin.

Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich, is that you? Did something happen to you?

Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna, sorry for my early call.

Olga. That’s okay… Anyway, I had to get up. The working day at our clinic starts at eight a.m., oh, dam it all! Go, tell me, what's happened to you?!

Golyshkin. You haven't come to see me for ages…

Olga. Oh, so that's the point!

Golyshkin. So, I thought… I just wanted to ask… Did I offend you somehow, Olga Alekseevna?

Olga. Oh, don’t worry, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I’m just having a lot of work these days. Besides, you don’t need the nurse aid any longer.

Golyshkin. And what about tonight, after work? Not as a nurse… But as a friend… If you let me put it like that.

Olga. What for? To discuss eternal problems? It’s so boring, Stalver Udarpyatovich! We have already talked about it. Your philosophy is immortal, unlike me, unfortunately.

Golyshkin. But if I offer you something more interesting?

Olga. What exactly? But please, don’t tempt me with the stars in the night sky. It's wonderful of course, but… I hope you understand me, professor!

Golyshkin. What about a spiritual session?

Olga. You said “seance”, is that right? It might be of some interest to me.

Golyshkin. So do you agree?

Olga. I think, I’d rather accept your invitation. And when will this exciting event happen?

Golyshkin. Very soon. I'll call you back, Olya.

Golyshkin hangs up. The spotlight goes down, then it flashes again, snatching Myshevsky out of the darkness.

Myshevsky. So what did you decide, professor?

Golyshkin. I agree.

Myshevsky. And when?

Golyshkin. I need to prepare something for the session. Will the day after tomorrow suit you?

Myshevsky. Sure. Do you mind if I invite two friends of mine?

Golyshkin. It would be nice. I was just thinking about where to find six people. We need to make a hexagram.

Myshevsky. Did you say hexagram?

Golyshkin. Yes. The six-pointed star of Solomon is the best geometric figure for our session. Of course, we might place people in a form of a pentagram. In that case we will need only five people for the session. But the effect may be weakened then. Well, I don’t think you need all these details… The result is important, as far as I understand.

Myshevsky. You are right professor. Everything else is absolutely not important.

The light goes down and then it flashes again. The doorbell rings. Golyshkin opens the door. Myshevsky comes in, followed by Vykhuholev and Ogranovich.

Myshevsky. Good evening, professor. Let me introduce you to my companions. Ogranovich Elena Pavlovna, a notary and an old friend of mine.

Ogranovich. Or it’s better to say an old warhorse.

Myshevsky. I should say, that Elena Pavlovna has a specific sense of humor. You have to get used to it. And it’s Vykhukholev Sergey Yurievich, a psychiatrist, or in other words “shrink”, as your son Rodion prefers to say.

Ogranovich. Yes, I have always said and I keep saying that today's youth is much smarter and wittier than us. We grew up in the era when everything was impossible. And they grew up when everything is possible. So, that made them…

Vykhuholev. More impudent, unscrupulous and irresponsible than we us. Elena Pavlovna, you are blinded by your passion for handsome young guys.

Myshevsky. Elena Pavlovna! Sergey Yurievich! It’s not the right time to argue! I beg you! Can you imagine that, professor? It’s always like that, when they get together…

Golyshkin. The topic that your friends have touched is urgent to me. I can talk about it for hours. But you're right, now is not the right time. Elena Pavlovna, let me help you!

Ogranovich. Don’t worry, professor! Being a woman, doesn’t mean to annoy men with all that stuff. So, don’t practice curtsies with me. Leave them for young chicks. But I am an old warhorse, as you have already heard.

Golyshkin. Hmm, Excuse me… Please, come in!

Everyone comes in the office. Golyshkin takes a seat at the desk. Ogranovich sits in a chair opposite. Vykhuholev sits down at a coffee table, takes out a box of chess from his pocket, arranges the pieces and starts playing by himself. Myshevsky walks around the room.

Ogranovich. I’d rather have some vodka now. It’s so cold, I am chilling! What about it, professor?

Golyshkin. One shouldn’t eat much and drink alcohol before a spiritual seance. But I can offer you a cup of coffee or tea. And we'll have dinner afterwards.

Vykhuholev. This chill is because of nerves, Elena Pavlovna. Vodka won't keep you warm.

Ogranovich. Oh, what a doctor you are! When I go crazy, then you’ll give me your advice, shrink.

Vykhuholev. I am looking forward to that time.

Myshevsky. Professor, you told about six people. There are four of us here. Is someone else coming?

Golyshkin. My son, Rodion. You already know him. And there is also one more lady.

Myshevsky. Oh, really? And who is she? Can she be trusted?

Golyshkin. Sure! Trust me.

Myshevsky. But I would like to know it for sure. I cannot reveal the recipe of the philosopher's stone to a stranger. I hope you understand me…

Golyshkin. Oh, your recipe! Olga Alekseevna is an extremely necessary person for our session. I will be a medium. My task is to establish contact, ask certain questions. But someone has to write down the answers. This will happen by moving the saucer around the alphabetical circle. Of course, if only the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus agrees to such a way of communication. But he also might choose to talk directly to a medium who would fell into trance, or he might prefer visible materialization, for instance.

Ogranovich. Oh, please, not this thing! If I see that your … – what‘s his name? – with my own eyes… Hermes! Oh, what a name! I will immediately die of fear.

Golyshkin. Don’t worry. Such thing happens very rarely during sessions.

Ogranovich. In my case it will definitely happen. You'll see it.