No way.
I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?
At a local coffee bar (в местной кофейне), a young woman (молодая женщина) was expounding on her idea (разъясняла, излагала свою идею; expounding [ǝksˈpaundɪŋ]) of the perfect mate to some of her friends (об идеальном муже кому-то из своих подруг).
"The man I marry (человек, за которого я выйду) must be a shining light amongst company (должен быть светочем: «сияющим светом» в обществе: «среди общества»). He must be musical (он должен быть музыкальным). Tell jokes (рассказывать анекдоты). Sing (петь). And stay home at night! (и оставаться дома ночью, вечером)"
An old granny overheard and spoke up (старушка услышала и заговорила), "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV! (дорогая, если это все, что ты хочешь, купи телевизор)"
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
A boy is about to go on his first date (парень собирается идти на свое первое свидание), and is nervous about what to talk about (и волнуется, о чем говорить). He asks his father for advice (он просит у своего отца совета; advice [ǝdˈvaɪs]).
The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work (мой сын, есть три темы, которые всегда "работают"; subject [ˈsʌbdʒɪkt]).
These are food, family, and philosophy (это еда, семья и философия; philosophy [fiˈlɔsǝfɪ])."
The boy picks up his date (встречается со своей "девушкой" /date означает и свидание, и человека, с которым у вас свидание/) and they go to a soda fountain (и они идут к автомату с газировкой; fountain [ˈfauntɪn]). Ice cream (мороженое; ice — лед, cream — сливки) sodas in front of them (перед ними), they stare at each other for a long time (они смотрят (пристально) друг на друга долго), and the boy's nervousness builds (и нервозность парня растет). He remembers his father's advice (он вспоминает отцовский совет), and chooses the first topic (и выбирает первую тему).
He asks (спрашивает) the girl, "Do you like spinach? (ты любишь шпинат; spinach [ˈspɪnɪdʒ])" She says "No," and the silence returns (и тишина возвращается; silence [ˈsaɪlens]).
After a few more uncomfortable minutes (несколькими неуютными = неловкими минутами позже; uncomfortable [ʌnˈkʌmf(ǝ)tǝbl]; minute [ˈmɪnɪt]), the boy thinks of his father's suggestion (думает об отцовском совете; to suggest [sǝˈdʒest] - предлагать, советовать) and turns to the second item on the list (и переходит ко второму пункту списка; item [ˈaɪtǝm]). He asks, "Do you have a brother? (у тебя есть брат)" Again (опять), the girl says "No" and there is silence once again (и снова тишина).
The boy then plays his last card (затем разыгрывает свою последнюю карту). He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following (следующий) question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach? (если бы у тебя был брат, он бы любил шпинат)"
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Do you like spinach?
When I was younger I hated going to weddings (когда я была моложе, я ненавидела "хождение" на свадьбы); it seemed (мне казалось) that all of my aunts (что все мои тетушки; aunt [a:nt]) and the grandmotherly types (и "бабушки", женщины типа бабушек) used to come up to me (подходили ко мне; to use — использовать, употреблять; иметь обыкновение /что-либо делать — только по отношению к прошлому/), poke me in the ribs (тыкали мне в ребра) and cackle (кудахтали), "You're next (ты следующая)."
They stopped that kind of thing (они перестали /делать/ подобные вещи) after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals (после того, как я начала делать то же, ту же вещь с ними на похоронах).
When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next."
They stopped that kind of thing after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
You're next.
A bum asks a man for $2 (попрошайка просит у человека 2$).
The man asked, "Will you buy booze? (ты купишь спиртного)"
The bum said (сказал), "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away? (проиграешь /в карты/)"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me (пойдешь домой со мной) so my wife can see (так моя жена может увидеть) what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble? (что происходит с человеком, который не пьет и: «или» не играет в карты)"
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
A man dies and goes to Heaven (мужчина умирает и отправляется в рай: «в небеса»; Heaven [ˈhevn]). He gets to meet God (он попадает на встречу с Богом) and asks God if he can ask him a few questions (и просит у Бога разрешения задать ему несколько вопросов).
"Sure," God says (конечно, говорит Бог), "Go right ahead (начинай, давай /действуй/: "иди прямо вперед").
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty? (зачем ты сделал женщин такими хорошенькими)"
God says, "So you would like them (чтобы они вам нравились)."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful? (но как "случилось", что ты сделал их такими красивыми)"
"So you would LOVE them (чтобы вы их (по)любили)," God replies (отвечает).
The man ponders a moment (задумался на секунду; to ponder — обдумывать) and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads? (такими легкомысленными: "воздушноголовыми")"
God says, "So they would love you! (чтобы они (по)любили вас)"
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
God says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them," God replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God says, "So they would love you!"
Go right ahead.
A New York Divorce Lawyer (нью-йоркский адвокат по бракоразводным процессам; divorce [dɪˈvɔ(r)s]) died and arrived at the Pearly Gates (умер и попал к жемчужным воротам = к вратам рая). Saint Peter asks him (Святой Петр спрашивает его), "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? (что ты сделал, чтобы удостоиться входа в рай)" The Lawyer thought a moment (подумал секунду), then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street (неделю назад я дал четвертак (25 пенсов) бездомному человеку на улице)." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out (проверить это) in the record (в записи, архиве; record [ˈrekɔ(r)d]), and after a moment (через секунду) Gabriel affirmed that this was true (подтвердил, что это правда).
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine (ну, это здорово, прекрасно), but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven (но этого на самом деле не вполне достаточно, чтобы взять тебя в рай; quite — вполне, довольно)."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! (подождите, подождите, вот еще) Three years ago (три года назад) I also (также) gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded (кивнул) to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back (кивнул в ответ), affirming this, too, had been verified (подтверждая, что это также проверено; to verify [ˈverɪfaɪ]).
Saint Peter then whispered (шепнул) to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? (что ты предлагаешь нам сделать с этим парнем)"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance (косой взгляд), then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell! (давай отдадим ему обратно его 50 центов и скажем ему отправляться к черту: «в ад»)"
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Go to Hell!
Three men died in a car accident (три человека погибли в автомобильной аварии) and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates (и встретили самого Иисуса у жемчужных ворот).
The Lord spoke unto them saying (Бог обратился к ним, говоря; unto = to /высок., поэтич./), "I will ask you each a simple question (я задам вам каждому простой вопрос). If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven (если вы скажете правду, я пущу вас в рай; to allow — позволять), but if you lie… (но если вы солжете) Hell is waiting for you (ад вас дожидается, ждет вас)."
To the first (первого) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? (сколько раз ты обманывал свою жену)"
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband (я был хорошим мужем). I never (никогда) cheated on my wife."
The Lord replied, "Very good! (очень хорошо) Not only will I allow you in (я не только позволю тебе войти), but for being faithful to your wife (но за верность жене; faithful — верный; faith — вера) I will give you a huge mansion (огромный особняк) and a limo (лимузин) for your transportation."
To the second (второго) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice (дважды)."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness (неверность), you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW (ты получишь дом с четырьмя спальнями и БMВ)."
To the third (третьего) man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
