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Philemon. How corny.
Ivy. I'm going to punch you in the face! Don't interrupt, she said, you see, and I'm having a hard time getting it out.
Philemon. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm silent. I'm listening carefully.
Ivy. To… A-a-a-a. Nothing normal comes to mind, only in my style. And you need something so high! Wise. Yes? Pretentious, my God!
Philemon keeps quiet, smiles.
Ivy. Why are you silent? Oh, yeah. That's right, keep quiet. Shortly (Thinking for a long time, stretching out the words, coming up with them in the process of presentation.) So that life is yours, she is… Understand… So that on this day, your birthday, you will not regret that you have lived to your age. So that you do not look into the past with regret, so that you look into the future freely and easily, so that the present does not oppress you, does not oppress you, how to say it correctly. There should be no oppression from what is happening now. In short, I raise this glass so that you, Smart Guy, are not alone in your smartness. To have some smart fool by your side! So that everything works out fine with her, despite the fact that you are already fifty years old! That's it!
Philemon smiles.
Philemon. Thanks for pointing your nose at my age a couple of times.
Ivy. Drink, c… ka, I tried!
Philemon drinks.
Philemon. Thanks Hand me that salad over there, please.
Ivy looks thoughtfully at Philemon, then takes the salad he asked for, brings it to him, begins to take care of him. She puts it on herself, pours it for him, ties a napkin around his neck. He sits down next to me and eats. He looks at Philemon with interest and doubt.
Philemon. And you know, no one has ever said such words to me. Usually everyone wishes happiness, health, and good luck. It's the same thing from year to year. And you did well, you really tried. I appreciated it.
Ivy. Did you pass the test?
Philemon. I passed it. Congratulations.
Ivy. Thanks
Eating.
Ivy. I noticed you have a lot of books. Do you like to read?
Philemon. Yes, I definitely noticed.
Ivy. May I ask where this love of reading comes from? I don't like reading at all. What about you? Did your mother force you as a child? Are you used to it?
Philemon. No, that's not the point.
Ivy. What is it?
Philemon. Books teach a lot. And people, in general, are like books. You read books, you get to know people.
Ivy. Can you give an example of the similarity of books and people?
Philemon. You are welcome! Some deceive with their beauty, others surprise with their content.
They are silent. They look at each other. They think. Eating.
Philemon. So you're a student?
Ivy. Yes, I am studying by correspondence.
Philemon. And you're probably working?
Ivy. Well, yes.
Philemon. And where do you work, if it's not a secret?
Ivy. I mean, where do I work? Here!
Philemon. Where is it here?
Ivy. Well, here! Right now, right here! I am at work now. Well, Smartass, don't be stupid!
Philemon is thinking.
Philemon. If I understood correctly, someone paid you to come to me today so that I wouldn't be so lonely. And it wasn't Sergei who did it, but someone else. I wonder who. So this is your job? Do you get paid to keep lonely people company? Oh, I heard it somewhere. It's kind of like a Friend-for-an-hour service. It finally dawned on me. Your job is "Friend for an hour," right?
Ivy. In a way. A friend for an hour, then already.
Philemon. Are you working for yourself, or for a company?
Ivy. I am an individual.
Filimon. A. Well, in principle, why not. An announcement on Avito and go ahead. Are you self-employed or not officially?
Ivy says nothing, looks suspiciously at Philemon.
Philemon. And what faculty are you studying at?
Ivy. That's it! I've had enough. What kind of interrogation is this? Are you from the police? What do you want from me? What are you picking at, fishing for?
Philemon. Ivy, what are you doing? Why are you doing this half a turn for nothing? I'm not fishing for anything, I just asked to keep the conversation going. If you want, I won't ask you anything else. We will be silent.
Ivy. You didn't answer!
Philemon. And… you mean the police? What kind of policeman am I? God be with you. No, of course not.
Ivy. Why, of course?
Philemon. Because I'm from a completely different "department".
Ivy. What kind of agency? More details, please!
Philemon. The department in this case is a figure of speech. If you are shaking for unpaid taxes or receipts that have not been issued, then it is completely in vain. I am not related to the supervisory authority. And I'm not interested in all this. I'm an artist.
Ivy. What? You?
Philemon. Ya
Ivy. Don't talk.
Philemon. You're weird. If you ask anything, it's bad! If you tell me something about yourself, it's bad again. You also say that it's difficult for you to be with me. I don't understand how to interact with you at all. You're afraid to step, to her God, like in a minefield. If you take a step, you explode like a bomb. I'm not a minesweeper. And not a policeman. I'm an artist!
Ivy. Why don't you have paintings in your apartment then? The order is like this, everything is free, empty. Artists don't do that.
Philemon. Do you know many artists?
Ivy. Well… no. But I've seen it on TV in movies many times. Creative — they are not of this world at all. Rolled up for the whole cap. Posters, paintings, watmans, or whatever. Brushes, paints. This… There should be a stand… What's her name…
Philemon. Easel.
Ivy. Here! Yes! And where is all this?
Philemon. Ivy, I was expecting guests today. Of course, I took everything away from here. In the next room you will find brushes, paints, an easel, and everything else.
Ivy. In the next room, you say?
Philemon. Yes, over there. If you want, take a look.
Ivy. Want.
Philemon. Go, and I'll eat a little more.
Ivy goes into the next room.
Philemon (loudly). If I were some kind of policeman, as you say, or a tax inspector, then by my age I would certainly have occupied a worthy place. And believe me, in this case, everyone would have come to my anniversary! I would then be all necessary, all profitable. Everyone would have come to pay their respects without fail. And who needs an artist? What should I charge? No connections, no money, no power. Therefore, the attitude is appropriate. As sincere as possible, I would say.
Ivy comes out with a painting in her hand.
Ivy. Your job?
Philemon looks at the painting.
Philemon. Mine.
Ivy. Cool.
Philemon. Thanks
Ivy. No, it's really cool. I liked her the most. How much is it? Sell it to me?
Philemon is distracted from eating.
Philemon. Did you like it that much?
Ivy. Yeah.
Philemon approaches the painting. He looks at Ivy, sits down, looks at the painting as if it were a child. Stroking her (the painting) lovingly. He gets up and returns to the table.
Philemon. Take it, if that's the case.
Ivy. How much should I pay?
Philemon. Gift.
Ivy. What, really?
Philemon. Really.
Ivy. Not a single thing. It's your birthday, and the gift is for me. Cool. Thanks
Philemon. Thank you.
Ivy. And why should I?
Philemon. For the dialogue, though difficult, but sincere. For the recognition of my work. For coming and diluting my loneliness. You talk with your weirdness, it's kind of interesting, but I'm glad to see you, even very much.
Ivy. Why are you talking like you're saying goodbye? Is that all? Am I free?
Philemon. It's just that I understand that you work by the hour, and the time is probably coming.
Ivy. Well, yes, and you also need to interact with me somehow, it's unclear how. Yes?
Philemon smiles.
Ivy. Let's try to make it in time. Is the shower there? I'll be right there.
Ivy runs off to the shower, leaving Philemon perplexed.
Scene 3
Philemon. But still, I wonder who gave me such a birthday present? Maybe an ex? No, I don't think so. She couldn't agree on anything with this Ivy, they communicate in different languages, too different. The twins are not up to me, they are messing with their flood there. My brother is also unlikely. The guys from the quartet? Probably them, but who is more? Apparently they decided that since they couldn't get to me themselves, at least they would call a girl so that I wouldn't be bored alone. Well done. Although — stop! They didn't know that everyone else hadn't come either!
No, I doubt they would do something like that. If only my children, ex-wife, brother and family, nephew and young lady were here… This girl would be completely out of business here. Something is not right here. But what about Seryozha's nephew? She kind of knows him, but she speaks strangely about him. I'm completely confused…
Ivy (screams from the shower). Hey, Smartass! The artist! Fly! Do you have a towel of some kind?
Philemon (shouts back). Yes, now.
Philemon finds a large towel, takes it away, and returns.
Philemon (shouting). I put it at the door!
Ivy (screaming). Yes, I see it!
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